Image by Moondance from Pixabay
I have come to wonder why so many of us seemingly want to be seen as sick, disordered, and dysfunctional?
Why do we so readily accept all the labels the systems are putting on us? Often asking to be diagnosed?
And I realized by getting myself diagnosed again — that there is really no other option?
(I went to the doctor’s because I am utterly exhausted from a work situation that feels inhumane and impossible.)
We have built a very black and white society where you are either healthy and functional or sick and dysfunctional.
I know I am not sick. But I do not fit into this binary system. For several reasons (not so important for this attempt at a bird’s-eye discussion). I become dysfunctional, slowly, over time, when I am forced to take part in something that goes against what I believe is good for humans (or any other being for that matter).
I want to go back to working on my own, to being my own boss, to manage myself. The problem is that there is no system for that. For people who are “not sick”, but do not fit into the traditional work system. And I actually think it is healthy of me to NOT fit in…
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
– Krishnamurti
Getting new diagnoses
So my problem now, with my new diagnosis of “adjustment disorder” (ICD10 F432 — and yeah I laughed hard when I saw it and later googled it…) is that either the doctor decides after these 3 weeks of being on sick-leave that I am no longer “adjustment disordered” and can go back to the employment/work I have, or I get worse during this time and am now also having other co-morbid diagnoses (the suggestion when I google what is co-morbid with “adjustment disorder” it is “GAD” or “generalized anxiety disorder”, and other stress related disorders. It is interesting though that “adjustment disorder” is seen as some milder version of “PTSD” (post traumatic stress disorder), so there is some acknowledgement that this “disorder” is context-dependent. At the same time is mostly stresses that your reactions to your context are maladaptive…
Can a stress response to an actual context ever be maladaptive?
I also got diagnosed with a sleeping disorder, “obstructive sleep dyspnea” (ICD G47) — and I am pretty sure I do not have sleep dyspnea (or maybe I have?), but I do right now struggle with my sleep — which I think is just part of my stress over my work and life situation. I also got the diagnosis of ICD M255, Pain in Joint. That is accurate but says nothing about why my joint hurts.
Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay
Stress is a response — not a sickness (or disorder)
All of this diagnosing because I am exhausted at work, feel morally injured, powerless to change anything and am very tired… and know nothing can or will change in my employment (I know that because I have discussed it extensively with both my old and my new boss).
I have no desire to be diagnosed. No need to be sick. I do not really think the “health care system” can help me with anything. But I need these diagnoses to be allowed a 3-week breather while I explore my options to get out of this employment and find an alternative source of income, preferably through running my own business (but I am simultaneously looking for and seeking other jobs).
I will have to accept being sick/disordered for now. And probably I need to accept that for a longer time period ahead, if I want any chance to find that way out of this employment, with any kind of support from our systems, without signing up for another employment.
I do think the work I am asked to do is utterly inhumane. But since nobody wants to do anything about that (my bosses listen, agree a lot with me, but feel their hands are tied or that they do not get anyone to listen to them in their turn). So it is easier for everyone to let me be the problem. Me and my sicknesses/disorders. My adjustment disordered way of responding to what I see as a very sick/disordered system.
Using my diagnoses — like tickets — in a broken system
And ironically, this might be the time I can USE my diagnoses of “autism” and “ADHD” (the trauma ones just scare people…) — because they can serve as an explanation as to why I am not able to cope with my work. They would be the explanation to my “adjustment disorder”. Together they will potentially suffice for the system to offer me a way out. Without having to change anything about it.
We have built a society where you cannot get out of the 9–5 drill, or the hierarchical and profession/title bound-way of organizing a workplace, if you cannot prove that you are too sick or disordered to cope with it. While at the same time said system is driving huge numbers of people into said sick/disorder oriented “mental health care system”.
It is almost as if they are dependent on each other – the work/employment system and the “health care” system? I ask that a bit deviantly and defiantly — as this is what it looks like to me.
And more and more people get diagnosed and fall outside the frame of what the system sees as “normal”. Meaning less and less people have it in them to “play the game”.
Playing along in the system?
This is what my situation looks like now: I know I am not sick. But I will have to play along with the system’s way of categorising and labelling me, to access any kind of support (and potential) understanding. At the same time as I do that — I am exposing myself to the ideas that our systems have about people with those labels, with the risk that I end up being seen in ways that goes very starkly against how I see myself.
This is actually quite a dangerous game I would be playing, as at the same time as I accept their labels and they end up in my records, I am also handing over a lot of power to the system -and the more diagnoses I gather in my records, the less of me will be visible. People reading them will think they say something about me, while the truth is they say very little about me and my situation. And also say very little about what I need.
I know what I need. But I will not get what I need by asking for it. Because this is part of how the systems operate, that since I am no expert on “medicine” or “social welfare” — what I ask for has very little value. The experts though will know what I need. And I either accept that, or I am on my own. Or even worse, if I do not accept that, I can be coerced into accepting their solutions.
For now, it is still manageable. These new diagnoses are not very threatening. But I have others, and together they could absolutely put me in dangerous situations when dealing with the system.
So, what do I do?
Play along? See what my diagnoses can do for me? Or opt out? And risk being without any support at all (support I have paid for my whole life through paying taxes).
If I am not accepting being sick or disordered, accepting that there is something intrinsically wrong with me, I cannot get any support at all.
If I talk about how hard my work is, how it is really not possible for me to continue there, there is nothing wrong with the work, only me.
So, if we as participants in our own societies accept this — how can we ever change our systems? If the systems are always right and the person is always at fault, it is an impossible situation for the person. Especially when the person is in the actual situation. And if you get frustrated, agitated, sad, angry — have any version of a strong emotion around your situation — you will be further labelled with psychiatric diagnoses.
So, what are my choices?
Image by John Hain from Pixabay
- I go back to the workplace where I am not doing well, and where I have almost no way of impacting anything — meaning I will go back to a situation that is not working?
- I accept the system’s way of seeing me and dealing with me, and put myself at risk not knowing what they in their wisdom will decide is best for me?
- I do neither — and risk ending up in the streets with no money for rent of food (and absolutely not for my psychotherapy training…)
So, while I am home and recovering from stress, I can ponder the answer to that question, which is not making me less stressed…
If I am lucky — I could potentially get some support to get out of my employment, and to restart my business. But it is slim. And I would need to embrace my “autism” and “ADHD” + this “adjustment disorder diagnosis”.
I am not sure I can do that long-term, without it doing something with how I view myself. Because this is the greatest risk of all, that, when we accept the sick-system’s labels on us, we risk starting to see ourselves the same way the systems are seeing us. As sick and disordered, and by that we are eventually left without power, voice, choice or agency.
For now — I am sitting here wondering how fast I can realistically re-build my business, without any support from the system, at the same time as my real exhaustion (from real stress and real pressure). I “should” be resting, but how easy is that, when your existence is at risk? We have built a society that makes you totally dependent on earning money to pay for things that you need. And if you do not have that money, then well, you are obviously not trying hard enough… to contribute to said society (Yes, I am sarcastic.)
All of this means that for now — I am not following my own inner moral compass. But I want to — and it is making me feel conflicted. And that is exhausting in itself.
It will be interesting to see what I will choose. I might try to do all of them simultaneously. In some sense I have tried that the whole time, which is also part of the exhaustion. The dilemma of choosing is not new to me. What is new is this level of exhaustion. I do know that my best chance is to observe and not get emotionally involved in my own dilemma.
But how easy is that?
Image by vined mind from Pixabay
“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
– Krishnamurti
The cultural aspect
I live in the western part of the world, and still, though our systems share a lot of similarities, each country is running their welfare systems slightly different, but enough alike for my problem to be representative of a plausible problem for a person in most of the western countries.
It isn’t really about the detail of each system. What I am trying to pinpoint is how we build societal systems to help us, but when we need that help, it is most often not given, at least not in a way that would be very beneficial to you and your situation. And sometimes, even often, the help is not beneficial at all, but instead harmful.
These systems are, to my knowledge, oppressive in all western societies.
I am not getting any further in my ponderings right now, or in my decision making. Maybe ever? But what I have gained the last week is a deeper understanding of what it means to us all that we have this “sick-system” in place. There is nothing like lived experience to deepen your understanding of things…
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Mad in the UK hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.