“I love Christmas! I love the lights and the excitement,” speaks the voice of my imaginary friend…….the one who is a conglomeration of all the positivity that is trying to make its way into my jaded and reluctant psyche.
“Humph!” I retort, “I’d rather stick to my Ebenezer Scrooge impression – HUMBUG!”
So what is it that polarises people over what is known colloquially as ‘the Christmas spirit’?
When I was a child, life was so simple. Christmas day in my family was not a religious affair, and wherever we happened to be in the world, it always meant presents. Not loads, not lavish, expensive gifts, but enough to be exciting and provoke a sense of expectation and wonderment. We always ate together and may or may not end up with the dreaded game of monopoly…….
Then when my own children were little, it was about making sure that their presents had been bought and wrapped, that family were invited and given a good lunch. Some years we would visit grandparents with the rare treat, of a meal prepared, but there was always tension. Would the children be happy and ‘behave’ themselves, would family arguments be kept at bay? How soon could we get home and relax?
But Christmas really stopped being any kind of pleasurable experience once I was diagnosed and labelled with ‘depression’. By then, the adult friends and relatives had developed their own expectations, and I felt watched. I felt I must put on a mask and hide any feelings of misery, sadness or despondency and yet even if there were short moments when I enjoyed myself, it made me think I was a fraud! It seemed like a no-win situation. Every year, Christmas became an ordeal to be lived through and the only respite was a sense of transient relief once January brought the festivities to a close.
But what about now, when I am well? Surely, I am full of the joys of survival and recovery! I admit I still do not look forward to Christmas and I have been in a reflective mood lately. I am trying to understand why, I feel the way I do, and I have concluded that it is not because of any association with the difficult Christmases of the past. But I know enough to let my feelings be. I have heard too may people say, “it’s Christmas, so I ought not to feel the way I do,” and in the past I have been subject to a spiral of guilt and that’s one way to make glum emotions feel worse.
For many people, public holidays are particular times of stress and hardship. I live in an affluent part of the UK, and yet there are plenty of people who are struggling to meet the overinflated ideas of what Christmas should be. Gone are the days, when it was primarily a religious festival; for all of us are subjected to the advertising which tries to persuade us that buying gifts will somehow show our love or heal the rifts within relationships. It is the time of year, when every retailer in the country is poised to make as much money as possible, and who can blame them?
But although we all know that material goods however ‘valuable’, will not make us happy, the relentless advertising tells us the opposite. Now, I’m not against the concept of giving gifts, but I would rather take time out to think about what Christmas really does or does not do for people, regardless of their religious persuasion, (or none at all).
When I worked for a charitable organisation who provided help for people who are homeless, it gave me further insights. The public gave more generously at Christmas and the homeless clients who ate at the community centre expected a good meal. But for many of these individuals, the holiday period was highly triggering. It was a poignant reminder of what had been lost – those family ties which had been severed for any number of reasons, those loved ones who had died, the disappointments at the end of another difficult year – some who were staying in the hostel, couldn’t bring themselves to the meal – there was a sense of hopelessness when looking at the future………
To add to this, society in general encourages a considerable amount of boasting about how much alcohol is going to be consumed over the holiday. Yet in the homeless community, the use of substances and alcohol had become an understandable desire to obliterate awareness of life’s problems.
I have also worked in A&Es over the years, including on Christmas day shifts. It was at those times that the phrase ‘demon drink’ seemed a reality. It wasn’t just the physical fights which were so poignant, though people frequently come to blows when their inhibitions are diminished – there was also the domestic violence, the verbal arguments, the feuds and the despair which led to a sharp increase in self-harm and suicide attempts over the holidays. There was also a phenomenon known as ‘granny dumping’ where older relatives were literally left at the entrance as annoyed relatives had just had enough!
The GP surgeries are closed, the dentists are not available, cars, washing machines, boilers all have a tendency to break down and there’s only limited emergency services available. And what about the people who literally have nowhere to go? They may be offered a bed for one or two nights, but then they are turfed back onto the streets……
No, why should I agree to look forward to the sparkle, the glitter and the sickening sound of Christmas music being played over and over again? Bah Humbug!
But my intention is not to leave you in all my personal doom and gloom because surely there must be some reasons to feel uplifted as Christmas draws near?
Whatever else, just being here, alive, in 2024 means something. Nothing about the past can be changed and for sure life will continue to have its ups and downs. For me, this year has certainly been no exception and has presented its own share of challenges. But as I reflect, perhaps I can think about the ways in which I have grown through it all. Maybe it is time to give myself a pat on the back because I have become more able to ‘sit’ with my feelings – when I feel anxious, afraid, or despondent, I have been less inclined to fight it or to push those emotions away. When I have grieved, I have allowed tears to be shed over my losses. Through the painful times, I have gained more understanding that all my emotions are part of who I am, and they can be my friends, if I will let them. While I might wish for better things to come, much of what happens in life is not within my control. I must continue to dig deep and let go of what I cannot change, while I persevere with the things that I can, like my responses to life’s twists and turns.
Let’s face it, the “humbug” response is not very welcome in our culture, but for today, I choose to honour my complicated emotions. I will also remember to appreciate those I love and care for, and the many beautiful friends I have met over the last year. As we enter 2025, I will be reminded of the cycle of nature, and the opportunities for new growth. Maybe I’ve sucked on the humbug for long enough, but I’m also grateful for its minty flavour!
Merry Christmas to everyone, and Happy New Year!
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Mad in the UK hosts blogs by a diverse group of writers. The opinions expressed are the writers’ own.