I am not ill

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I am traumatised. I am abused. I am dissociating. I am scared. I am angry. I am grieving. I am lonely.

I am not ill.

I want respect. I want kindness. I want understanding. I want open-mindedness. I want compassion. I want love.

I don’t want medication.

I am overwhelmed. I am triggered. I am exhausted. I am despairing. I am hopeless. I am suffering.

I am not disordered.

I want to tell you that I’m dissociating. I want to tell you that I’m triggered. I want you to know that you’re talking to a child right now. I want you to understand that I have 12 personality parts and I can’t control switching.

I don’t want to go to psychiatry.

I self-harm. Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I’m not crazy.

I deserve to be listened to. I deserve to be asked how I feel and what I need. I deserve what I need. I deserve that you have enough time for me. I deserve that you take the time to learn more about my conditions. I deserve to be cared for.

I do not deserve to be ignored, accused, and discriminated.

Sometimes I can’t speak. Sometimes I can’t remember. Sometimes I can’t think. Sometimes I can’t feel. Sometimes I can’t go out. Sometimes I can’t move.

I can always be human.

I am poor. I am jobless. I am homeless. I am disabled.

I am not useless.

I am creative. I am passionate. I am funny. I am loving. I am considerate. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am resilient. I am brave. I am observant. I am learning. I am doing my best.

I am not super-human.

I am a child who has been born into a family of monsters. I am a teenager who’s scrambling for her identity among the shards of torture. I am an adult who’s trying to navigate an abusive world.

Most of all, I am myself. Despite them.

So please. Drop the disorder.

I am not ill.

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Laura is from Germany but has lived several years in the UK. She developed a Dissociative Identity as a result of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Her greatest achievements were to survive, leave her family, become aware of her trauma, and to start (and stick with) therapy. Her survivor's mission is to raise awareness about her non-disorders and how trauma is interlinked with other social oppression. She discusses these topics on her blog “FemVegTrauma” and YouTube channel “DI Without The Disorder”. She is also an artist, poet, singer, musician, historical linguist, archaeologist, and lover of nature.