(EDITOR’S NOTE: SEE ED WHITE’S OBITUARY here)
Ed White and I were what I’d class as good friends, although very far from each other. We met through being Admins and Mods (Ed was an admin, I’m a mod) in an Effexor withdrawal group. We messaged often enough about not only withdrawal issues but personal things too. When one has been through withdrawal from psych drugs it’s not hard to find good people to share more than withdrawal issues with, Ed was one of those for me. I thought of Ed often and felt thought of when he’d message me. I thought often about the huge hug of mutual understanding I’d give him one day(I don’t know if he was the hugging type but he wasn’t going to escape mine), with tears of joy streaming down my face because we’d both made it and both knew. Ed was the one I wanted to meet the most out of all withdrawal people. I’m very saddened by his passing and feel I should’ve done more for him, like all he did for others.
I dedicate this “poem” to my friend Ed, it’s the best I have to offer for him as it comes from the deepest place in me. Pain and regret are where my best comes from. Ed was a much more gifted writer than me though, with his paper on the growth of facebook withdrawal groups, his RxISK article and in his thorough and thoughtful replies to those in the grips. He spoke very well on T.V. and in the SurvivingAntidepressants Medicating Normal panel, representing the unheard and giving us a voice. I was proud to know Ed when he was on T.V, the panel, when his paper came out etc. I knew that guy and look at him go. You helped so many in desperate times mate, you helped guide them to the light. I miss the thought of meeting you one day and wish you were still here. I’ll remember you and your kindness always.
For Ed White, Loving husband/father, researcher, advocate, PhD and friend to many, who sadly succumbed to the perils of effexor withdrawal.
Good Riddance Effexor
Good Riddance Effexor, you rule me no more, you made me pay for, endless days and many more. I know why soldiers don’t speak about war, and I know others have suffered, much much more.
Truly devastating, unspeakable things. Things no one should endure, from stopping “medicines”. We don’t speak of it too much, to those who don’t know, it means digging too deep, in the hole we keep closed. In this terrible state, our eyes become truly open, now they’re open we realise, there aren’t many we can count on. The sleeping bear, he’s still there, we don’t want to wake him, it’s best to avoid things most stimulating.
The kindness from strangers, it can make us strong, giving us the will, to hide what’s going on, and find a way to carry on. Until the light starts to shine, it brings us back from that war, from that kindness of strangers, we start to grow claws. Like those buried deep, twisting our bones, sharp, like his who holds us there, but a different reason for. There’s no use trying to fight, the one who can’t be fought. For you my good friend, I wish I’d done more.
We slowly climb our way out, up those pitch blackened walls. Impossible to forget, the way it tore, through our brains and bodies, too often misdiagnosed, and never felt before. It burns everything, the hottest volcano in hell. I know I’ve never felt so unwell, but I’m ready for it now, if when I die I go to hell.
I know the pain you felt, because I felt it too, I managed to make it through, so I had faith in you. But I’m not you and you’re not me, why this did I fail to see? Your kindness would’ve surrounded you, but I just couldn’t see.
In times of pain, friends are meant to be there. Maybe you thought I didn’t care, and I bet you were so scared. You learnt much the first time round, now you were prepared. I know how strong his grip is though and should’ve shown more care. We get taken so far away where no one hears us pray, left there alone, to endure, until it slowly fades. To reach this point, no one can say, just how long it takes, prisoners in our bodies and brains until it slowly fades. If only I’d messaged mid week, so I really knew, just how much that desperate place, was affecting you.
You said I was very strong, to’ve made it through, why wasn’t that my cue, to reach out for you? When it rung I was still excited, to finally speak to you, but when it wasn’t you, i knew. I prayed for a minute, for it to be untrue, but deep down inside, i knew.
Desperately searching to be exempt from an injection, I failed to ask the Cat lady for an extension, of kindness for our struggling friend. You’d have found the strength, for your claws to grow, so in time you could show, yourself you could mend. Filled with fear from what they’d already said, the truth bullet had lodged, too deep in my head. For that outside help, I wish I had pled.
I know how it is for the red flower who lost her jem, we both now will never get, to meet with our dear friends. We told each other about it, I think we both told them, but now our chance on earth is gone, to meet with our dear friends.
It wasn’t meant to be this way, I wished for us to meet one day, now you’re in that blessed place, but it’s so far away. I wish I’d found the right words to say, we may still meet one day. I’ll think of you with your wings each day, (like those angels sent to help from above), flying free from all that pain.
It’s often said there’s an imbalance, but it’s never been proven, i wonder if you would ever use these drugs on your own children? There’d be no surprise if you did, you believe in them so much, if this happened to your own kids would you still have that trust? This thought fills me with disgust, wait a minute while I go throw up.
I’ll always protect my little light, from this incredible evil, an evil that even controls the minds of our medical people. An unstoppable need to keep you safe, from this most of evils, the one that’s peddled by all of our, blinded medical people. Are they blind or is it something else? About this I often wonder, to me you’re all just bitches of big pharma and all its dollars. And when the blind outweigh the unblind, by at least 20 to 1, most of us have no chance to welcome the light’s return from the sun.
I’m “brainwashed” by this painful truth, a truth i hope never happens to you. If it ever did you’d know it’s true and you’d be “brainwashed” too.
You’ve given me a purpose, that I never had before. Good Riddance Effexor, you rule me no more.